Strolling, and a strange talk

It's 11:46 pm and today has been a really eventful day.

I woke up early and walked down to the port, where i finally arranged to get a boat ticket to Greece. Am leaving for Igoumenitsa at 7:00 pm tomorrow, and will be arriving there on Thursday at 7:30 in the morning.

From the port i entered the old city and walked around its labyrinthine streets, visiting the cathedral and the norman-swabian castle. There wasn't much to see in the latter, as most areas are closed off, either because excavations are going on or due to repairs. On the other hand, the narrow winding ways and their chaotic traffic were quite charming. I read somewhere that in centuries past, when invading hordes threatened Bari, they were wary of entering this maze, as it was famous for the ease with which men got lost in it. Once they were disoriented, neighbors easily picked them off from roofs and windows.

Under a light rain, the place was a confusion of fruit vendors, fishermen (actually saw the tiny lights of their boats out on the bay yesterday night, from the plane), christmas decorations, smells and pastries, old italian ladies dressed like my grandmothers used to, cars and people sharing the strangled, unevenly paved lanes, the ancient limestone walls of still inhabited buildings, gnawed by time... Yet there is harmony in the way everything doesn't quite fit together. Nowhere in northern Europe can one see this organized discordance.

The high point of the day was my visit to the temple of santa Claudia. Beautiful construction in apulian romanesque style, and in one of the lateral naves there's the grave of the saint herself. There you can listen to small, intimate masses.

As i was leaving the building, i saw a woman come out of the confessionary, and another one go in. There was a tiny red light on the door next to the one she'd entered, indicating that the priest was in. And mimicking that light, an unlikely idea blinked on in my crazy brain: what if i were to go in next and talked to the priest about my experience as a homosexual man raised in the catholic tradition?

You see, a few weeks ago i wrote a dialogue on this blog, imagining such a talk. I feel christianity in general and catholicism in particular have been extremely negative forces in the lives of many gay people. Religion-inspired morals constitute the main factor that keeps homosexual matrimony from being legalized in most countries, but that is only the most visible of evils the church has inflicted on gay men and women: worst of all are the self-loathing, the guilt, the low self-esteem, the depressions that many go through. Because of the anger i feel at this, my imagined dialogue was quite simplistic: in it i left the priest without words or justification, made him apologize, humbled him as i believe the church should be humbled for the pain it's caused. Of course, i realized such a dialogue was unrealistic when i wrote it, not the least because, if i were now to use the aggressive and prideful tone my character uses on the text, the priest might simply tell me to go away (pride is always bad in a religious setting; have you noticed that?).

Besides, i really didn't want to attack the priest this time. I wanted to hear about the church's position on homosexuality from the mouth of a church-man. In spite of everything i've read about it, i'd never gotten the information from the source, and this was the perfect occasion.

So, while the woman was inside, i thought about how i was gonna go about it. First, i didn't want to tell the guy any lies about my background. Second, i wanted to be sincere about the way i saw things, but without attacking his organization. Third, i intended to remain as open-minded as possible. Fourth, i didn't want to tell this man what i thought the church should do, but rather hear what the church is doing. Fifth, i was determined to stay calm.

In the end, we talked for about 10 or 15 minutes. The priest struck me as very friendly from the moment i saw him. He must be in his mid-fifties and sports a thick, blond beard that doesn't hide the openness of his expression. His voice is calm. He was able to talk in a relaxed fashion about the issues i raised, much more easily and naturally than i'd expected. I wish i'd had a tiny tape recorder tucked somewhere but, having lacked it, here's a transcription of the talk, paraphrased and translated and as near-to-reality as i can remember it:

-- Come in, come in!

-- Good morning, padre. I'm actually not in here for confession, but because i would like to talk with you about something that's very important to me, if you have the time. I'm not from this city and although i was brought up catholic, i've grown distant from the church. I haven't been inside one as a worshipper in many years. Mainly this is because i'm disillusioned with it and yes, because of it, also with catholicism, particularly because of its views on homosexuality. I can't understand how love can be a sin. Why is it bad for two men who love each other and want to commit to share their lives to also share sex? Why is it impossible for them to get married in the eyes of the church?

-- OK. First, let me ask you: how did you actually become disillusioned with the church? Was it first hand experience that pushed you away from it?

-- Well, yes and no. As a young kid, i didn't feel i knew the priest well enough to talk to him about these things. He wasn't very accessible, but of course i'm talking about 15 or 20 years ago. Nevertheless, as i grew up and had to come to terms with my sexuality, i discovered that most of my problems with accepting myself could be traced back to the morals taught to me by the church. So yes, my priest wasn't very open or inspiring, but no, nobody i knew at my church was directly nasty to me because of my sexuality. There were other issues that made me lose faith in the organization, but they are not related to this.

-- I ask you because nowadays we priests get very particular directives on how to discuss this topic. It's more common than you might think, and many come to us to talk about their homosexual feelings, not only men, but also women. We know homosexuality has always existed, and that many famous people in the past, especially artists [?!?!?], have been homosexual. These are people with a superior sensitivity (that's why so many of them are artists) [again, !?!?!?], people who have difficult lives already, because they are surrounded by a society that's hostile to them. Only a few, and later, after much suffering, decide to live their lives openly, not caring about their communities or families [huh!?!?!?]. So we are cautioned not to be harsh. Have you read any of the documents the church has published about this?

-- No, I can't say i have.

-- Well, they are not harsh at all. But to answer the questions you asked before, i have to make it clear to you that it all comes down to the scriptures. We might get into a discussion of everything else, but that is the bottom line. I don't know if you want to argue about this: i might say that homosexuality is unnatural, but you might argue that it is also found among animals, or that sex is not only used for procreation. That kind of thing.

-- No, no. I realize the scriptures are the real issue with the church. What do they say, exactly? I'm afraid i haven't read the bible since i was very young. Does Jesus say anything against homosexuality? Why can't the sacrament of matrimony unite people of the same sex? Where does it say that i'm immoral? I don't want to sound proud, but i consider myself a moral person, in that i try to be careful with my actions, so that they don't hurt others. We all make mistakes and have oversights, of course, but that is what being moral means to me.

-- Of course, i am sure you are. And part of it probably comes from having suffered and been marginalized. That is why Jesus said to the pharisees that prostitutes and thieves were closer to the kingdom of heaven [encore: ?!?!??!] than themselves, and that is why the church does accept and embrace homosexuals; only the practice of homosexuality is a sin. Jesus himself doesn't talk much about homosexuals. It's saint Paul who condemns homosexuality and effeminacy [!!!] of any kind. Jesus does say, however, that matrimony is to be between man and woman. The sacraments are seven, and they are what they are: they cannot be changed, added or subtracted from. Take people who divorce, for instance: they are breaking a promise they had made to god. In the same way, a catholic homosexual person has a compromise with god not to practice homosexual sex, or any sex outside marriage, for that matter. This is something that concerns heterosexuals too. Men come here and speak about how they love both their wives and their lovers, but that is not right in the eyes of god; you were talking about love before, but it's not love that's the problem, you see.

-- Then it all comes down to accepting scriptures, whether we find them logical or not, whether there is a reasoning behind them or not. I can't understand why love isn't enough.

-- Be careful there. We cannot be christians unless we accept the word of god as it is. We cannot question it. But here: have you ever wondered why god made you like you are? He has a purpose for us all, and he must have had a purpose in making you homosexual.

-- Yes, i used to ask myself that question all the time, but i never found a satisfactory answer.

-- Well, think about it.

-- Mm-hm. Thank you, father. I really appreciate this talk and the time you've given me.

-- I'll pray for you. You say a prayer for me, too.

-- Thank you. Have a good day.

And i left. For some reason, by the time our conversation ended, i was almost in tears. I couldn't think why: i was not sad. I hadn't heard anything new, had i? There had been some inexactitudes, generalizations and unhappy parallels drawn, but the man had tried to be as open and helpful and kind as possible. Perhaps, because i was nervous about broaching the topic of my sexuality with someone i didn't know, and because of my perhaps obvious display of emotion towards the end, he'd been led to believe that i was having a real conflict with my sexuality. Regardless: the conversation felt good, as did his treatment of me.

In any case, it took me some 20 minutes to realize that what i felt was an immense sense of... exhilaration! I mean, we had gotten to the true bottom of the issue! A church person had just told me that i could not be catholic! Indeed, i could never accept a text without questioning it, no matter who is claimed to have written it! Some might say that it's a question of faith, and that i lack it, but i would contend it is a matter of trust in individual humans, instead. The church is made up of men; it is a human institution. There have been better and worse popes and priests, but they have all been men, with human ambitions and interests. Priests have translated and interpreted scriptures, too, and in 2000 years of very turbulent history, they may have manipulated them, too. Finally, however much they believed their hands were being guided by god when they were writing the gospels, the apostles were human, too.

Anyone out there wants NOT to be catholic with me?