Cecco Angiolieri (1260? - 1312)

Incredible! Over 700 years ago! How did they let him live?

S'i' fosse foco, arderei 'l mondo;
S'i' fosse vento, lo tempesterei;
S'i' fosse acqua, i' l'annegherei;
S'i' fosse Dio, mandereil' in profondo.
S'i' fosse papa, sare' allor giocondo,
Che tutt'i cristiani imbrigherei;
S'i' fosse 'mperator, sa' che farei?
A tutti mozzarei lo capo a tondo.
S'i' fosse morte, andarei da mio padre;
S'i' fosse vita, fuggirei da lui;
Similmente faria da mi' madre.
S'i' fosse Cecco, com'i' sono e fui,
Torrei le donne giovani e leggiadre,
E vecchie e laide lasserei altrui.

If I were fire, I'd torch the world;
If I were wind, I'd storm it;
If I were water, I'd drown it;
If I were God, I'd send it to the deep.
If I were Pope, I'd then be happy,
To have swindled all Christians;
If I were emperor, do you know what I'd do?
I'd straight away chop everybody's head off.
If I were death, I'd go to my father;
If I were life, I'd flee from him;
I'd do the same with my mother.
If I were Cecco, as I am and was,
I'd take the women who are young and graceful,
And leave for others the old and the ugly.