'Never say never'
you say
and say it twice.
The double negative
makes it right
(you say).
Now with you i never know
what never is
when in your lips
or mine.
-No- -Yes-
i'm ever lost
but you
you're never wrong.
Friday, May 19, 2006
Tuesday, May 09, 2006
A REQUEST
I haven't written about homosexuality in a while, and you know how we queers are: it's all we think about. So, with a reputation to keep, here i go again.
Anyway, someone's asked me how i came out to my family, and what their reactions were. Hmmm... Well, here's an outline:
• 13 years old: M. knows he's sexually attracted to guys rather than girls.
• 18 years old: It finally occurs to M. that it may be ok to be sexually attracted to guys rather than girls.
• 22 years old: During a summer vacation at home, M. finally decides to tell his family about his being sexually attracted to guys rather than girls. He writes a letter to leave with them in case they kick him out of the house when he tells them.
• 22 years old: M. chickens out, doesn't tell them a thing, and the letter remains at the bottom of his suitcase. The chicken!!!
• 25 years old: Mom is visiting from Argentina and, during a very philosophical conversation, M. finally manages to tell her that he is attracted to guys rather than girls (and that the guy they had dinner with some days before is not just a friend, but actually his boyfriend.)
• 25 years old: Mom tears up a little and says "Finally!", and "I suspected he was your boyfriend." Then goes on to clarify she's known M. is sexually attracted to guys rather than girls for the past three years. Turns out she found the letter while going through M.'s suitcase ["Wanted to iron your shirts before you left!"]: showed it to dad, showed it to M.'s brothers, cried, cried, cried and cried some more. Then started thinking and, over some months, tried to fit her image of fags with that of her son. No fit, image of fags thrown away. Now M. finally figures out why so many conversations with mom have lately been so philosophical.
Now filling in the gaps:
Thing is, when you are growing up and you realize you're gay, sometimes you don't have anyone to talk to. You hear all these negative things about people who are supposedly like you (from what you see when they're portrayed in the media, they are not really like you, but hey, maybe you will eventually turn into them?); you hear these things from your parents, from your nearest friends, on TV, at the movies... The Bible says you should be stoned to death. You see how everybody laughs and despises and is angry at this people and, of course, you don't want to lose family and friends, so you just don't say anything. This means keeping a careful watch of all your words and interactions, so that your image of heterosexuality is unquestionable. Then eventually you realize nobody knows you, and you feel alone; that you have lied to every person you care about, and you feel like a shit; that all you do and say is carefully choreographed, and that you don't know who you are anymore. But, shikata ga nai.
If you are lucky enough to one day come across a message different from what you've received until then, you might start thinking (but again, you might not) that maybe the media are wrong. Your friends are perhaps wrong, too. That your parents are wrong is harder to consider, but you finally get your mind around that as well. What do you do?
You tell yourself many things, and all of them may be true: -- they will suffer if i make them go through this -- after all, i'm gay myself, and it took me years to accept it; how can i expect them to understand? -- wait, it wouldn't be me making them suffer, but their prejudices -- do i really need to tell them? -- why do i feel i need to tell them? -- after all, i live far away and only spend 3 or 4 weeks at home every one or two years -- besides, dad's old; what if this is too much for him? -- or they may kick me away, and what would i do without them? -- without their support -- and talking about support, yes: what about economical support? i couldn't stay in college if i didn't have it -- what kind of person am i, to be bringing money into this equation?
Bottom line: there's no definitive answer to any of these, so you just keep asking them.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
So yes, the moral of my story is totally wrong. I was scared in this way for a long time, and when i finally decided to talk openly with my mom, she had already done all the work on her own, when I should have been there to ease her fears and answer her questions. This must have been terribly hard on her.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I have gay and lesbian friends who view coming out as a moral duty of any person of a different sexuality. They argue that society can only change if more people make themselves visible as homosexuals, because only openly can prejudices be challenged. And they are right, in this wider social sense.
On the other hand, there are people like my friend Dan, whose parents kicked out when he was 16. He is now 38, and they still don't want anything to do with him.
In my opinion, each person knows their families best and so can better judge their possible reactions (and still be wrong, as in my case). Thus, everybody should decide by him/herself what course is best. Nobody can ask us to sacrifice the private for the social, nor viceversa.
Both coming out to loved ones and not doing it are potentially very stressful situations, so the first thing one should have is support. If one can't talk about issues concerning sexuality with friends or known people, an anonymous care giver is a good idea. If none is available, there is the net. It wasn't a very good a resource a decade ago, but i imagine that nowadays, even if one lives in an absolutely homophobic society, a help line can be found. The words you read or the voice you hear might be on the other side of the world, but it's good to know they're there.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Finally, a few more thoughts and info:
• I think if i hadn't eventually come out to my family, i would have continued to grow more and more distant from them. Not that i would have ever stopped talking to or caring about them, but they would have known less and less of my emotional life. I don't know how much that would have affected us. Probably quite a bit.
• Good resources on the topic of coming out to loved ones are the following:
Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents, by Mary Borhek
Growing Up Gay and Lesbian (VHS)
(Both available on amazon, and at certain school libraries)
Anyway, someone's asked me how i came out to my family, and what their reactions were. Hmmm... Well, here's an outline:
• 13 years old: M. knows he's sexually attracted to guys rather than girls.
• 18 years old: It finally occurs to M. that it may be ok to be sexually attracted to guys rather than girls.
• 22 years old: During a summer vacation at home, M. finally decides to tell his family about his being sexually attracted to guys rather than girls. He writes a letter to leave with them in case they kick him out of the house when he tells them.
• 22 years old: M. chickens out, doesn't tell them a thing, and the letter remains at the bottom of his suitcase. The chicken!!!
• 25 years old: Mom is visiting from Argentina and, during a very philosophical conversation, M. finally manages to tell her that he is attracted to guys rather than girls (and that the guy they had dinner with some days before is not just a friend, but actually his boyfriend.)
• 25 years old: Mom tears up a little and says "Finally!", and "I suspected he was your boyfriend." Then goes on to clarify she's known M. is sexually attracted to guys rather than girls for the past three years. Turns out she found the letter while going through M.'s suitcase ["Wanted to iron your shirts before you left!"]: showed it to dad, showed it to M.'s brothers, cried, cried, cried and cried some more. Then started thinking and, over some months, tried to fit her image of fags with that of her son. No fit, image of fags thrown away. Now M. finally figures out why so many conversations with mom have lately been so philosophical.
Now filling in the gaps:
Thing is, when you are growing up and you realize you're gay, sometimes you don't have anyone to talk to. You hear all these negative things about people who are supposedly like you (from what you see when they're portrayed in the media, they are not really like you, but hey, maybe you will eventually turn into them?); you hear these things from your parents, from your nearest friends, on TV, at the movies... The Bible says you should be stoned to death. You see how everybody laughs and despises and is angry at this people and, of course, you don't want to lose family and friends, so you just don't say anything. This means keeping a careful watch of all your words and interactions, so that your image of heterosexuality is unquestionable. Then eventually you realize nobody knows you, and you feel alone; that you have lied to every person you care about, and you feel like a shit; that all you do and say is carefully choreographed, and that you don't know who you are anymore. But, shikata ga nai.
If you are lucky enough to one day come across a message different from what you've received until then, you might start thinking (but again, you might not) that maybe the media are wrong. Your friends are perhaps wrong, too. That your parents are wrong is harder to consider, but you finally get your mind around that as well. What do you do?
You tell yourself many things, and all of them may be true: -- they will suffer if i make them go through this -- after all, i'm gay myself, and it took me years to accept it; how can i expect them to understand? -- wait, it wouldn't be me making them suffer, but their prejudices -- do i really need to tell them? -- why do i feel i need to tell them? -- after all, i live far away and only spend 3 or 4 weeks at home every one or two years -- besides, dad's old; what if this is too much for him? -- or they may kick me away, and what would i do without them? -- without their support -- and talking about support, yes: what about economical support? i couldn't stay in college if i didn't have it -- what kind of person am i, to be bringing money into this equation?
Bottom line: there's no definitive answer to any of these, so you just keep asking them.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
So yes, the moral of my story is totally wrong. I was scared in this way for a long time, and when i finally decided to talk openly with my mom, she had already done all the work on her own, when I should have been there to ease her fears and answer her questions. This must have been terribly hard on her.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I have gay and lesbian friends who view coming out as a moral duty of any person of a different sexuality. They argue that society can only change if more people make themselves visible as homosexuals, because only openly can prejudices be challenged. And they are right, in this wider social sense.
On the other hand, there are people like my friend Dan, whose parents kicked out when he was 16. He is now 38, and they still don't want anything to do with him.
In my opinion, each person knows their families best and so can better judge their possible reactions (and still be wrong, as in my case). Thus, everybody should decide by him/herself what course is best. Nobody can ask us to sacrifice the private for the social, nor viceversa.
Both coming out to loved ones and not doing it are potentially very stressful situations, so the first thing one should have is support. If one can't talk about issues concerning sexuality with friends or known people, an anonymous care giver is a good idea. If none is available, there is the net. It wasn't a very good a resource a decade ago, but i imagine that nowadays, even if one lives in an absolutely homophobic society, a help line can be found. The words you read or the voice you hear might be on the other side of the world, but it's good to know they're there.
- - - - - - - - - - - - -
Finally, a few more thoughts and info:
• I think if i hadn't eventually come out to my family, i would have continued to grow more and more distant from them. Not that i would have ever stopped talking to or caring about them, but they would have known less and less of my emotional life. I don't know how much that would have affected us. Probably quite a bit.
• Good resources on the topic of coming out to loved ones are the following:
Coming Out to Parents: A Two-Way Survival Guide for Lesbians and Gay Men and Their Parents, by Mary Borhek
Growing Up Gay and Lesbian (VHS)
(Both available on amazon, and at certain school libraries)
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